Things I Learned About Bigfoot ...and the women they love
(aka, What Happens When Sasquatch Kidnaps Nubile Young Women To Be Personal Breeding Love Slav...moreThings I Learned About Bigfoot ...and the women they love
(aka, What Happens When Sasquatch Kidnaps Nubile Young Women To Be Personal Breeding Love Slaves)
by Penny Watson
1. Bigfoot is very possessive of "his woman"..."He tossed me over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes and hauled me into the forest."
2. He can talk. "Good. Soooooooo good." (I didn't say he could talk like a Harvard professor. I just said he could talk).
3. Sasquatch dudes have regular names like Leonard, Dale, and of course their leader, Bubba.
4. Girls who are abducted by Bigfoot to be their breeding love slaves are concerned about cleanliness and personal hygiene. "I wore the same underwear and shorts I had on for days. They needed to be washed." Um, seriously, I think that's the least of your worries, girlfriend.
5. Bigfoot's diet consists mainly of beef jerky. And carrots.
6. Girls abducted by Bigfoot are generally not that bright. "Maybe being kidnapped by horny apes had messed with my head." Maybe. Maybe it did.
7. Bigfoot's language also includes grunts and this word..."Grrrrrrrrroooooooaaaaaaaarrrrrrr." According to my English-Bigfoot Dictionary, that means "Party Time, Ladies!"
8. Being abducted by Bigfoot tends to elicit sarcastic responses from horny young women. "We're f*cked seven ways to Sunday."
9. Also, Bigfoot likes to smoke pot. (Probably to relax at the end of the day. It's probably pretty stressful being Bigfoot, I would imagine).
10. When the young sex slaves are not servicing the hairy beasts, they are forced to weave cloth on a loom. In a cave. (I swear. I'm not making this shizz up). This is best summed up by this quote: "Weavers by day, cocksuckers by night."
11. When Bigfoot gets mad at his girl, she might get a spanking.
12. Bigfoot clans travel around the forest in carts, and have goats. I'm not sure if the goats are pets or a food source.
13. The captives waver between wanting to escape--"I'm only 18! I'm too young to get knocked up with some Planet of the Apes baby!"--to wanting Bigfoot as a boyfriend--"I'd done the unspeakable. I'd fallen in love with my ape." I guess this is sort of a Stockholm syndrome situation going on.
14. Bigfoot has a 12 inch penis.
15. Bigfoot likes to serve his captive hot tea. It's so civilized!
16. The captives figure out why Sasquatch is so horny. "I guess this is what happens when there's no TV."
17. Bigfoot is no different than human men. He likes watching a rousing lesbian sex scene.
18. Bigfoot is a family guy. He dreams of a cave, a woman, and some furry offspring.
19. Never say Bigfoot doesn't know how to romance his captive. Bigfoot enjoys hot tub parties. (Improvisation with a hot spring).
20. The girls are concerned about the hot tub party. "Maybe this was some sort of Bigfoot brainwashing technique?" They were right. It was.
In conclusion, Bigfoot appears to be a big, hairy, horny, family-oriented beast who dines mostly on beef jerky, enjoys hot tub parties, and has a rudimentary grasp of English.
Citations:
CUM 4 BIGFOOT 2 by Virginia Wade CUM 4 BIGFOOT 3 by Virginia Wade
I just read Sunset at Keyhole Canyon by Jesse Hayworth (formerly known as Prince I mean Jessica Andersen...moreCharmed The Pants Off Me (But Not The Heroine)
I just read Sunset at Keyhole Canyon by Jesse Hayworth (formerly known as Prince I mean Jessica Andersen). This sweet novella is coming out May 7th. Jessica Andersen is known for her medical Harlequins and UF series, but she has recently reinvented herself as an author of "sassy western contemporaries." Me likey! As indicated by the title of this post, this is a sweet novella--no hot sweaty sex with a cowboy, although we could always imagine that if we have super good imaginations. *Penny imagines* This novella is an introduction to the full-length novels coming out later in the year, and I think it sets up the series nicely. I don't like too much angst and darkness in my novels, and this one is just perfect. A not-too-heavy conflict, a delicious hero who realizes he let the good girl get away and is now determined to win her back, a lovely western setting, and a heroine who finally gets her happy ending. This is a sweet and charming novella, and I'm really looking forward to digging into the ARC I have for Summer At Mustang Ridge, the full-length novel.
Sometimes I think when I tell folks "I love romance" they don't really understand what I'm talking about. Romance is not sex. Romance is not marriage....moreSometimes I think when I tell folks "I love romance" they don't really understand what I'm talking about. Romance is not sex. Romance is not marriage. For me, romance is love. True, everlasting, heroic love. It's also a moment in time, the touch of a hand, the scent of lilacs, a tiny bouquet of violets fit for a fairy queen...
Romance is about hope and courage and strength and loyalty. It's about simple acts of friendship. It's about forgiveness. It's about sacrifice.
Can a book have a heart and soul? Not just the characters, but a story? Yes, of course it can. Anyone who has clutched Harry Potter to her chest knows that truth. There are not many storytellers who can truly tap into that gift. You have to have the soul of a poet. You have to believe in the power of love.
And if you're a romance author, you need to believe in the HEA. Happy Ever After. It's not just a trite abbreviation. It's huge. It's the difference bewteen being cynical and bitter and hopeless and believing in happiness.
Let me just start this review by saying I don't read YA. In fact, I like much more mature characters, 40s and even 50s and beyond. But there are some things that defy age. Like friendship and courage and love. Goldfinch's story AIRE weaves fantasy and characters and setting and suspense into an extraordinary tale. Her writing is beautiful, the story is engaging, the suspense builds perfectly. But it's the romance woven into the story that brings it to sparkling life. And I realized, as I read this, that sometimes the most satisfying love stories don't need graphic sex. They just need longing and trust...and finally happy endings.
There is one thing I remember about The Language Of Souls --Goldfinch's first book that I read a long time ago. It's the kiss. The whole story leads up to one, perfect kiss. And it was filled with so much romance and love I was just amazed. This book has that same quality. I have never seen an author make a kiss so touching, and tender, and lovely, and perfectly satisfying. Like that little bouquet of violets. Sometimes our romantic moments don't need to be big or over-the-top or graphic. Small and simple and perfect are better.
After I finished this book I cried. For a long time. Goldfinch treats us to many happy endings in this story...for primary and secondary characters. I was charmed. I've never read a book that ensured ALL the characters were so well taken care of. It's my dream-come-true! Charming and adorable.
I am always on the look-out for something different and unique and special. This book surpassed all of my expectations. It is a gem that is so far my favorite read for 2013.
Didn't have enough paranormal stuff for me. I was a little bit disappointed with that. But I loved the H/h. The Wherlocke family is awesome....more4.5 stars
Didn't have enough paranormal stuff for me. I was a little bit disappointed with that. But I loved the H/h. The Wherlocke family is awesome. Hannah Howell has created a really cool historical paranormal family with this series.
I almost DNFed this book at the first chapter. It starts with a disturbing scene with a poor girl who has been abducted by a re...moreEdge by Tiffinie Helmer
I almost DNFed this book at the first chapter. It starts with a disturbing scene with a poor girl who has been abducted by a religious fanatic. However, I stuck with it because I trusted Tiffinie to do right by this story. And she did. Edge is a fabulous romantic suspense--the perfect balance of suspenseful storyline, engaging romance, interesting secondary characters, and incredible setting--the Alaskan wilderness. I felt like I was breathing in the frigid cold air right along with the characters. The setting popped off the page, and it was the ideal backdrop for this story. The writing was smooth and professional, the material handled perfectly. And that's a big deal for me. Too many writers add unnecessary graphic detail when dealing with difficult subject matter like abduction, rape, etc. A lot of times it feels gimmicky to me--like a crappy horror movie throwing in guts and violence for the hell of it. Helmer handles Mel's past with a light touch...we get just enough information to know that she was traumatized, but not enough to detract from her strength and healing. Cache, the hero, is a fantastic character, flawed, also tortured by his past, and the ultimate mate for Mel. I loved the two of them together, I loved the resolution to the story, and I loved how Helmer tackled prickly family issues and a secondary love story, too. And we even get a bad-ass bear scene. Awesome!
Penelope is an adorable historical farce. The humor is way over the top...there is a highway robber, a goat, a cross-dressing sp...morePenelope by Anya Wylde
Penelope is an adorable historical farce. The humor is way over the top...there is a highway robber, a goat, a cross-dressing spy, a hilarious uncle with a mustache obsession, and a sweet, lonely heroine who is longing for love, companionship, and friendship. Penelope is adorable, goofy, and good-hearted. Folks looking for what I like to call "reality-based fiction" will probably not like this one. You need to check your willing suspension of disbelief at the door, and then laugh yourself silly while you read. I was charmed. There was one formatting error (with the indents) that hopefully will be fixed soon, and the hero was a little bit too conflicted for a good portion of the book. But other than that, there are many sweet and funny scenes that are a testament to Anya Wylde's imagination and sense of humor. I love a good farce, and this one fits the bill.
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