Things I Learned About Bigfoot ...and the women they love
(aka, What Happens When Sasquatch Kidnaps Nubile Young Women To Be Personal Breeding Love Slav...moreThings I Learned About Bigfoot ...and the women they love
(aka, What Happens When Sasquatch Kidnaps Nubile Young Women To Be Personal Breeding Love Slaves)
by Penny Watson
1. Bigfoot is very possessive of "his woman"..."He tossed me over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes and hauled me into the forest."
2. He can talk. "Good. Soooooooo good." (I didn't say he could talk like a Harvard professor. I just said he could talk).
3. Sasquatch dudes have regular names like Leonard, Dale, and of course their leader, Bubba.
4. Girls who are abducted by Bigfoot to be their breeding love slaves are concerned about cleanliness and personal hygiene. "I wore the same underwear and shorts I had on for days. They needed to be washed." Um, seriously, I think that's the least of your worries, girlfriend.
5. Bigfoot's diet consists mainly of beef jerky. And carrots.
6. Girls abducted by Bigfoot are generally not that bright. "Maybe being kidnapped by horny apes had messed with my head." Maybe. Maybe it did.
7. Bigfoot's language also includes grunts and this word..."Grrrrrrrrroooooooaaaaaaaarrrrrrr." According to my English-Bigfoot Dictionary, that means "Party Time, Ladies!"
8. Being abducted by Bigfoot tends to elicit sarcastic responses from horny young women. "We're f*cked seven ways to Sunday."
9. Also, Bigfoot likes to smoke pot. (Probably to relax at the end of the day. It's probably pretty stressful being Bigfoot, I would imagine).
10. When the young sex slaves are not servicing the hairy beasts, they are forced to weave cloth on a loom. In a cave. (I swear. I'm not making this shizz up). This is best summed up by this quote: "Weavers by day, cocksuckers by night."
11. When Bigfoot gets mad at his girl, she might get a spanking.
12. Bigfoot clans travel around the forest in carts, and have goats. I'm not sure if the goats are pets or a food source.
13. The captives waver between wanting to escape--"I'm only 18! I'm too young to get knocked up with some Planet of the Apes baby!"--to wanting Bigfoot as a boyfriend--"I'd done the unspeakable. I'd fallen in love with my ape." I guess this is sort of a Stockholm syndrome situation going on.
14. Bigfoot has a 12 inch penis.
15. Bigfoot likes to serve his captive hot tea. It's so civilized!
16. The captives figure out why Sasquatch is so horny. "I guess this is what happens when there's no TV."
17. Bigfoot is no different than human men. He likes watching a rousing lesbian sex scene.
18. Bigfoot is a family guy. He dreams of a cave, a woman, and some furry offspring.
19. Never say Bigfoot doesn't know how to romance his captive. Bigfoot enjoys hot tub parties. (Improvisation with a hot spring).
20. The girls are concerned about the hot tub party. "Maybe this was some sort of Bigfoot brainwashing technique?" They were right. It was.
In conclusion, Bigfoot appears to be a big, hairy, horny, family-oriented beast who dines mostly on beef jerky, enjoys hot tub parties, and has a rudimentary grasp of English.
Citations:
CUM 4 BIGFOOT 2 by Virginia Wade CUM 4 BIGFOOT 3 by Virginia Wade
I just read Sunset at Keyhole Canyon by Jesse Hayworth (formerly known as Prince I mean Jessica Andersen...moreCharmed The Pants Off Me (But Not The Heroine)
I just read Sunset at Keyhole Canyon by Jesse Hayworth (formerly known as Prince I mean Jessica Andersen). This sweet novella is coming out May 7th. Jessica Andersen is known for her medical Harlequins and UF series, but she has recently reinvented herself as an author of "sassy western contemporaries." Me likey! As indicated by the title of this post, this is a sweet novella--no hot sweaty sex with a cowboy, although we could always imagine that if we have super good imaginations. *Penny imagines* This novella is an introduction to the full-length novels coming out later in the year, and I think it sets up the series nicely. I don't like too much angst and darkness in my novels, and this one is just perfect. A not-too-heavy conflict, a delicious hero who realizes he let the good girl get away and is now determined to win her back, a lovely western setting, and a heroine who finally gets her happy ending. This is a sweet and charming novella, and I'm really looking forward to digging into the ARC I have for Summer At Mustang Ridge, the full-length novel.
Sometimes I think when I tell folks "I love romance" they don't really understand what I'm talking about. Romance is not sex. Romance is not marriage....moreSometimes I think when I tell folks "I love romance" they don't really understand what I'm talking about. Romance is not sex. Romance is not marriage. For me, romance is love. True, everlasting, heroic love. It's also a moment in time, the touch of a hand, the scent of lilacs, a tiny bouquet of violets fit for a fairy queen...
Romance is about hope and courage and strength and loyalty. It's about simple acts of friendship. It's about forgiveness. It's about sacrifice.
Can a book have a heart and soul? Not just the characters, but a story? Yes, of course it can. Anyone who has clutched Harry Potter to her chest knows that truth. There are not many storytellers who can truly tap into that gift. You have to have the soul of a poet. You have to believe in the power of love.
And if you're a romance author, you need to believe in the HEA. Happy Ever After. It's not just a trite abbreviation. It's huge. It's the difference bewteen being cynical and bitter and hopeless and believing in happiness.
Let me just start this review by saying I don't read YA. In fact, I like much more mature characters, 40s and even 50s and beyond. But there are some things that defy age. Like friendship and courage and love. Goldfinch's story AIRE weaves fantasy and characters and setting and suspense into an extraordinary tale. Her writing is beautiful, the story is engaging, the suspense builds perfectly. But it's the romance woven into the story that brings it to sparkling life. And I realized, as I read this, that sometimes the most satisfying love stories don't need graphic sex. They just need longing and trust...and finally happy endings.
There is one thing I remember about The Language Of Souls --Goldfinch's first book that I read a long time ago. It's the kiss. The whole story leads up to one, perfect kiss. And it was filled with so much romance and love I was just amazed. This book has that same quality. I have never seen an author make a kiss so touching, and tender, and lovely, and perfectly satisfying. Like that little bouquet of violets. Sometimes our romantic moments don't need to be big or over-the-top or graphic. Small and simple and perfect are better.
After I finished this book I cried. For a long time. Goldfinch treats us to many happy endings in this story...for primary and secondary characters. I was charmed. I've never read a book that ensured ALL the characters were so well taken care of. It's my dream-come-true! Charming and adorable.
I am always on the look-out for something different and unique and special. This book surpassed all of my expectations. It is a gem that is so far my favorite read for 2013.
Didn't have enough paranormal stuff for me. I was a little bit disappointed with that. But I loved the H/h. The Wherlocke family is awesome....more4.5 stars
Didn't have enough paranormal stuff for me. I was a little bit disappointed with that. But I loved the H/h. The Wherlocke family is awesome. Hannah Howell has created a really cool historical paranormal family with this series.
I almost DNFed this book at the first chapter. It starts with a disturbing scene with a poor girl who has been abducted by a re...moreEdge by Tiffinie Helmer
I almost DNFed this book at the first chapter. It starts with a disturbing scene with a poor girl who has been abducted by a religious fanatic. However, I stuck with it because I trusted Tiffinie to do right by this story. And she did. Edge is a fabulous romantic suspense--the perfect balance of suspenseful storyline, engaging romance, interesting secondary characters, and incredible setting--the Alaskan wilderness. I felt like I was breathing in the frigid cold air right along with the characters. The setting popped off the page, and it was the ideal backdrop for this story. The writing was smooth and professional, the material handled perfectly. And that's a big deal for me. Too many writers add unnecessary graphic detail when dealing with difficult subject matter like abduction, rape, etc. A lot of times it feels gimmicky to me--like a crappy horror movie throwing in guts and violence for the hell of it. Helmer handles Mel's past with a light touch...we get just enough information to know that she was traumatized, but not enough to detract from her strength and healing. Cache, the hero, is a fantastic character, flawed, also tortured by his past, and the ultimate mate for Mel. I loved the two of them together, I loved the resolution to the story, and I loved how Helmer tackled prickly family issues and a secondary love story, too. And we even get a bad-ass bear scene. Awesome!
Penelope is an adorable historical farce. The humor is way over the top...there is a highway robber, a goat, a cross-dressing sp...morePenelope by Anya Wylde
Penelope is an adorable historical farce. The humor is way over the top...there is a highway robber, a goat, a cross-dressing spy, a hilarious uncle with a mustache obsession, and a sweet, lonely heroine who is longing for love, companionship, and friendship. Penelope is adorable, goofy, and good-hearted. Folks looking for what I like to call "reality-based fiction" will probably not like this one. You need to check your willing suspension of disbelief at the door, and then laugh yourself silly while you read. I was charmed. There was one formatting error (with the indents) that hopefully will be fixed soon, and the hero was a little bit too conflicted for a good portion of the book. But other than that, there are many sweet and funny scenes that are a testament to Anya Wylde's imagination and sense of humor. I love a good farce, and this one fits the bill.
(Woman involved with two men gets set up as a corporate spy, two horny dudes who love to "take care of...moreForgiveness by Allyson Young
Meh and an eye roll.
(Woman involved with two men gets set up as a corporate spy, two horny dudes who love to "take care of their woman" get duped and have meaningless sex with her, which breaks her little heart, and she runs away, horny dudes realize they were wrong and that they're big stupid schmoes, they find her, kidnap her, grovel, grovel, grovel, she hates them hates them hates them, they finally give up, she shows up at their house and they have an HEA).
If I could, I would give The Girl With The Cat Tattoo by Theresa Weir....
5000 STARS!
But I can't. (At least not on Goodreads). So, I gave it 5 stars. T...moreIf I could, I would give The Girl With The Cat Tattoo by Theresa Weir....
5000 STARS!
But I can't. (At least not on Goodreads). So, I gave it 5 stars. This book is freakin' adorable. It's quirky, cute, funny, romantic, even has a cool suspense storyline. The funky cat has a POV and does a moon walk. The heroine dresses up like Pippi Longstocking for story time at the library. The hero is the perfect alpha-beta mix of hot undercover cop and volunteer at the homeless shelter. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? All he needs is a Paul Bunyan beard and he is perfect, baby! (I just pretended he had a beard while I was reading the book!)
Anyhoo, huge thanks to Brie from Romance Around The Corner for recommending this book to me. And another huge thanks to Nico Jaye for loaning it to me. It is now FREE on Amazon for Kindle!
After reading two formulaic grovel books, this book was a breath of fresh quirky air, low on the angst, high on the fun, silly, and adorable. It was so right up my alley, I was laughing out loud while I read it.
I loved it.
And I don't even like cats.
If you're looking for something different this weekend to read, I HIGHLY recommend this gem of a book.
The premise for this novel is really cute. A tabloid reporter goes undercover on a reality TV show that features a "love dog" who brings together frac...moreThe premise for this novel is really cute. A tabloid reporter goes undercover on a reality TV show that features a "love dog" who brings together fractured couples. The suspense portion of this story was high...the entire time you're worried that Samantha's cover will be blown. Watson did a good job wrapping up this difficult conflict at the end.
I'm not gonna lie. My favorite character, by far, was the dog Apollo. He was super sweet, loving, and adorable, and I was stressed out thinking he would not get his HEA. (I was more worried about Apollo and his HEA than the human characters in the story). Well, the ending was PERFECTION! True love and happiness for all, human and canine alike. I do think the H/h of this book took a back seat to the dog and his quest to make people happy. But the magic of this story was the dog, and getting his charming POV added the pop into this book.
This was NOT what I thought it was. For some reason, I thought it was about an insane homicidal gnome. The cover is sort of misleading and looks creep...moreThis was NOT what I thought it was. For some reason, I thought it was about an insane homicidal gnome. The cover is sort of misleading and looks creepy, and the title is also misleading. So sue me...I thought it was a horror story. Hee hee!
Needless to say, I found this entertaining. Believable? Hell no. But I never care about that. Perfect? No. Amusing? Yes. Entertaining? Yes. I laughed out loud at some of the ridiculous lines. The plot was so ridiculous it was almost cartoonish at times, but I went along for the ride and laughed.
...Although I'm still a little bummed that there wasn't a homicidal gnome in the story. Oh well.
I love big, curvy girl erotica stories. I love heroes who are veterinarians. I love quickies that are sa...more2/2.5 stars?
Spanked by the Vet by Christa Wick
I love big, curvy girl erotica stories. I love heroes who are veterinarians. I love quickies that are satisfying and sexy. And I love a good spanky story (so sue me).
Well, this erotica had a big curvy heroine and a veterinarian hero. It also had a good premise--the whole friends to lovers thing. Unfortunately, it also had no ending, no real story, about 95% sex, and the sex was boring--I ended up skimming those scenes. All in all, not my cuppa spanky tea. This story had a lot of potential, but it just didn't work for me.
One of my all-time favorite books is Warrior by Zoë Archer. It is a fabulous mix of adventure, fantasy, and romance. Lar...moreLady X's Cowboy by Zoë Archer.
One of my all-time favorite books is Warrior by Zoë Archer. It is a fabulous mix of adventure, fantasy, and romance. Larger than life story. Larger than life characters. Lady X's Cowboy is an historical romance, and I wasn't sure what to expect. Well, Archer has put together a nice little story--with an interesting British widow heroine--caught between her life as a noble-by-marriage, and her position as the owner of a brewery. A lot of romance authors create weak heroines, but Archer isn't one of them. Her heroines are strong-willed, capable, and sensual at the same time.
Lady Olivia has a dilemma--a villain attempting to put her brewery out of business--and a delicious American cowboy shows up just in the nick of time to help save it. Will is scrumptious! Brazen, swaggering like a good cowboy should, a real gentleman, protective, and smarter than he lets on. He and Lady Olivia have some smoky hot chemistry, and a sweet romance develops between them.
This is quite different from Warrior. It's a more traditional historical romance. But I loved the fascinating bits about the brewery, I loved the determined heroine, and Will was the perfect American cowboy hero.
Julie Garwood has a book with a heroine raised by Native Americans and a British nobleman. It's one of her most underrated books, IMO. I love it--The Lion's Lady. There is something very appealing about mixing that rugged, rough and tumble American pioneer sensibility with the starchy upper crust British nobility. It provides great contrast and chemistry in the story. Garwood made it shine, and so does Archer. I would highly recommend Lady X's Cowboy to anyone looking for an American/British historical with some fascinating background about the brewing industry and a sexy H/h combination.
In my experience reading historical romance, they fall into three categories. One is the "wallpaper" historical, which...moreWARNING: includes some spoilers!
In my experience reading historical romance, they fall into three categories. One is the "wallpaper" historical, which is not concerned with fact or accuracy. The time period is merely to establish some texture in the storyline. The second type pays more attention to detail--the clothing, language, and setting have been researched, the historical backdrop is part of the fabric of the novel. The third type is most interesting to me, since I started reading historical fiction as a young girl. The history is integral to the book. The characters are real and imagined, intertwined within the narrative. History comes alive. We go back in time and get to experience something outside of our own personal reality.
I love them all. Silly historicals like Noble Intentions by Katie MacAlister, elegant and refined novels such as Stephanie Laurens's books and those by Mary Balogh. And every once in a while we get something extraordinary. Something that teaches us about a different time period, but at the same time satisfies our craving for romance and happy endings.
For The Love of a Soldier manages to do it all. This book is an absolute gem. Morgan's story has combined complex characters, a satisfying love story, and a fascinating examination of the Battle of Balaclava and its devastating consequences for the soldiers who survived. Many historical romances have heroes who have been traumatized by war, but usually the reality of battle is glossed over and sacrificed for a romantic storyline. Not in this case. Morgan makes the stark horror of the war very real--by the post traumatic stress experienced by her hero and by the crippled soldiers who return home to poverty.
There is a stunning scene in this story that made me cry repeatedly. The hero finally confides to the heroine about his experience with the battle made famous by the Tennyson poem The Charge of the Light Brigade. It is emotional, horrifying, and cleansing for Garrett. Alex handles the moment perfectly, and it becomes a turning point for Garrett's healing. Bravo to Victoria Morgan for bringing this fascinating bit of history to life, and seamlessly weaving it into her storyline.
But there is more than history here. There is charming and sexy banter. There are wonderful secondary characters who are clamoring for a story. There are laugh-out-loud funny moments to balance the serious tone in other sections. The mystery propels the plot along, but it is not the primary focus of this book. The primary focus is the characters and their believable love story. I fell madly in love with Garrett. Quite simply, he is a good man. A thoughtful man. A man who does the right thing by his friends, the soldiers who counted on him, by a stranger who has lost everything in a card game. And eventually, the woman he loves.
Alexandra is also a true hero. She is loyal to those who have earned her trust. And she reaches out to this man, despite his bad reputation, because she believes in her heart it's the right thing to do.
And the icing on the historical romance cake is that this novel is beautifully and intelligently written. Morgan's voice is perfect for this genre. She has just the right balance of history, romance, and intelligent prose.
If I had to choose one area to nitpick, I would say that the love scenes were a bit too long. I like them short and sweet, but that's just me.
I cannot recommend this book highly enough for those who love romances that weave real history with a satisfying love story and a blissful HEA. For The Love of a Soldier is a remarkable debut novel.
I just re-read this adorable quickie! It's the perfect short read for Christmas...sweet and sexy with a happy ending. Noelle is a quirky sandwich girl...moreI just re-read this adorable quickie! It's the perfect short read for Christmas...sweet and sexy with a happy ending. Noelle is a quirky sandwich girl who delivers her tasty treats to Boston businesses. Harry is a grumpy executive who hates Christmas. When the two of them get together, Noelle melts his icicle heart. This is such a cute story, and I think Blake has a wonderful voice and is an excellent writer. Looking forward to reading more of her stories.
Loading...
